Things 2020 has taught me

“In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.” – Tom Bodett

I’ve not been so active on here, and I apologise for not being able to get as much stuff out as I would have liked. My brain has either been too full or too empty of thoughts, and it has been so frustrating! I have a few different ideas in my drafts, that I just haven’t been able to gather up all the right words for, so I’m going to do something different, in the hopes that I can formulate a whole post out of it.

I’m sure I’m not alone in saying that 2020 hasn’t turned out to be the year I thought, and hoped, it would be. Like so many others, I had hopes for this year, but I don’t think anyone could have predicted what 2020 has brought us so far. But to try and put a positive spin on things, lockdown has actually been a really good time to reflect on the last few months, and think about what I can take away from what the year has thrown at me so far.

It’s totally fine to hit the pause button sometimes.

For me, lockdown actually came at the perfect time. I had been constantly busy with working full time, and cramming so much wrestling stuff into my everyday schedule, for so long. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely loved being busy. I always felt as though keeping myself occupied and being productive with something, anything, was better than doing nothing. In my mind, to do nothing would be wasting my time, wasting my days, so I kept myself busy most days.

But I knew it was a distraction, and I knew that underneath the surface I was struggling, and had been for a while. Typing this out now, I feel like I’ve deceived people, but the person I was really deceiving, was myself. I didn’t want to confront myself, and the state my life was in. Lockdown took the choice away from me, because suddenly, life had slowed down, and I had all this free time. I had time to think, time to process everything I’ve had going on, and to heal. It was so hard at first, to deal with everything I had spinning around in my head, but I know that having the time to finally sift through it all, has done me the world of good. I feel so much better than I did six months ago – I feel more at ease, and like my day to day life doesn’t feel as much of a struggle as it did at times.

You’ll never be ready – you have to jump, anyway.

Everything you really want to do is scary, for a number of reasons. That’s just the way life works. If it didn’t scare us, we’d all be off pursuing all the things we want in life, without a second thought. Whether it’s applying for that dream job, moving house, or whatever the current dream is, we never feel ready to take that step. What does “feeling ready” even feel like? Is there really a day where you wake up and decide you’re ready? I know I struggle to know what a scenario is going to be like until it actually happens, so I don’t know if this is a universal feeling or if it just applies to me.

Case in point, I wasn’t “ready” to leave my ex, and begin to rebuild myself. I wasn’t “ready” to dredge up a load of memories I was deliberately burying from myself. I wasn’t “ready” to confront myself with everything, simply put. I had to make that leap, armed only with my instincts, and blindly trust that I was doing the right thing for myself. I know now that I was right, and that I can handle the bumps in the road that come with life, but at the time I seriously doubted myself. Taking the “feel the fear and do it anyway” philosophy is a valuable lesson, and one that I know will come in handy time and time again.

I can embrace the real me.

Okay, so without context this could sound like I’ve been super fake this whole time, and that isn’t what I mean! Lockdown has given me time to think about what’s important to me. Something that’s been topping that list is just being me, and being true to myself. I’ve noticed recently how I’m not carrying around that ball of anxiety in my chest so much anymore, since I haven’t felt as though I have to repress certain aspects of my personality, or who I am. I’m free to be myself, and not have to apologise for it, and the relief feels amazing.

As part of being myself, I’ve been trying to embrace the things I used to wish I could change, like the way I look. It’s such a stupid minor thing in comparison to some of the other stuff I’ve written about before, but my self esteem hasn’t been great over the years, and sometimes hangups can really get us all down. The main one for me is my natural curls. I used to straighten my hair nearly every day, because I used to just feel like my natural hair was terrible, and a frizzy mess. In reality, it’s not as bad as that, and now I go with my natural hair more often than not. I’m growing to love myself as I am, curly hair and all! I’ve also been wearing makeup less often, during lockdown. Rather than feeling compelled to put it on most days, to compensate for feeling crappy, it’s now saved for days where I feel like it.

Knowing your worth isn’t a bad thing.

I’ve always struggled with selfishness. As kids, we have it drummed into us that being selfish is inherently bad. I’ve always tried to avoid being a selfish person, and at times that has been to my own detriment. I’ve struggled to recognise my own worth, for this reason. It took me way too long to realise that thinking of yourself first isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Yes, it’s good to look out for and care for others, but we need to show ourselves some of that same care. We need to show ourselves the same kindness we would show our friends.

I realised this when a friend said to me, “you deserve better.” I wanted to agree, but wasn’t sure if I should, because I didn’t know how it would be perceived. Would I be standing up for myself, or was I just entitled? After a little bit of internal debate, I told myself I was being a bit ridiculous. If the situation was reversed, I would have no problem telling my friend they deserved better, so why couldn’t I say the same thing to myself? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with knowing where your lines are drawn, and knowing what you will or won’t expect from someone else. I think I’ll use the, “would I say this to a friend?” scenario as my personal litmus test from now on!

I’m sure there are lots of other things I’ve learned from the wild ride that has been 2020 so far, but I feel like I could be stuck writing this forever if I keep going! What lessons have you taken away from this year? Let me know!